Coulda, woulda, shoulda, ... didn't

I could have posted many times this year... but I didn't.  I would have told you all about the little things that did or didn't happen in my world.... but I didn't.   I should have gone on here to share a little more... but I didn't.  I figure it is about time to purge my brain and share.  Last time I posted I was washing myself in all things God.  I had had a good cry and was coming up for air.  Things haven't changed in the marriage department.  Jeff and I are roommates at best.  We still laugh together on occasion.  I cook and sort of pick up here and there.  I clean when I know people are coming over.  We sleep in the same bed (most nights) but we don't go to bed at the same time, we don't get up at the same time and most of the time there is a child in the bed with us.  So how is it that we are "celebrating" our 15th anniversary today.  Last year we were so busy with the buying of the house and with him working that our 14th came and went and it wasn't until about 10pm that I realized what day it was.  Two years ago when we were in counselling I had hoped that our 15th would be the one where we would be on a cruise or a lavish all inclusive vacation renewing our vows because so many of those vows had been ignored and we would have decided that nothing and no one could get between us ever and we would be celebrating that.  We could have been in counselling here... we would have called someone for help... we should have made appointments to take care of the things that were causing our "issues"... we didn't.  Why?  Who knows?  We find all kinds of excuses- but the one thing I do know is how much Satan is partying today because of the wedge in our marriage.  If you are reading this, rolling your eyes, and saying, "geez Kayren build a bridge and get over it already"  I challenge you to feel the feelings of abandonment over and over, build up walls, allow the walls to fall only to be abandoned again for years on end and ask yourself where would you be.  Especially when it comes to the vulnerability that you feel within your marriage, being hurt over and over never gets easy, and only hurts more as you continue to realize that yours is not the type of marriage that God could be proud of.  Yet, my motto is stick and stay- isn't that what marriage vows are all about?!  There have been many times that I have thought if the money had been there I would have left.  By that I mean... I have nothing in order to take the kids and go.  The cars and house are in Jeff's name and the credit card debt is in mine.  There are times when I think that I could do the whole thing without him and do it well as we don't see eye to eye when it comes to the kids and because he isn't always plugged into them it wouldn't matter.  There are definitely times when I wonder why God didn't allow me to marry the one who knew how to meet my needs better.  Then I snap back to reality... it isn't about what Jeff coulda done to make me feel better... nor what I woulda done differently, or what he shoulda done to make things better.  It is about what would make God proud and knowing that when God is happy and at peace we are too.  That is exactly why I stick and stay.  Don't get me wrong I have used my words (as we tell our children to do) but I haven't put my actions into play... I haven't picked up the phone to make the calls I need to.  But I am confident that we are going to be the couple that makes it through and on the other side will use this 15... year storm to help others find their way as well.  At least that is without a doubt my prayer.  When the time comes that we will be able to renew our vows and praise God that we have weathered the storm - I will post our victory.  But for now my victory is knowing that I do not go through the coulda, woulda, shoulda's without the One who knows me best.  As another year has come and gone - there have been changes but not in the way God feels about me and in the end that is what really counts.  In order to make it another 15 years my focus can not be on what I coulda, woulda, shoulda... didn't do but on what God can and will do.  As always, feel free to ask questions, make comments or share this post with anyone you think might benefit.  I will leave you with a song that lifts me and I crank it up whenever I hear it...