Sometimes you just have to cry...

I mentioned when I started this blog that it was a "share type" blog.  I have never been one to shy away from sharing with others the hard times that I have endured not as a means of "poor me", but more as an "I made it and so can you" type thing.  My heart is heavy tonight as I come to grips with feeling once again caught in one of those one step forward two steps back situations in life.  Several years ago I stopped hiding behind the facade that my marriage was happy and wonderful.  I came to the realization that it was on a downward spiral and if I didn't do something serious my life (well mine and Jeff's) would not be the only ones in trouble.  I was afraid that my kids were not being raised in a happy, healthy environment and some serious changes needed to take place.  I had not been happy for a very very long time and without going into a whole lot of detail as to why (because right now that isn't the point of this post), I decided that the change had to start with me.  So... I told Jeff we needed a change and the first thing to change was church. (more about that in another post)  We were and had been for some time struggling with where we were worshipping.  There were several factors that were in play... we had gotten lost.  So we took a leap of faith and followed our hearts (but not before an enormous amount of prayer) and began to worship with a different congregation.  The second change came in the form of music.  I stopped listening to any radio or cd's that were not Christian.  I mean I tuned my radio to the local Christian station and only listened to Christian CD's.  I started to read anything and everything I could get my hands on regarding my role as a Christian wife and mother.  I surrounded myself with Christian women of all ages, shapes, sizes etc...  I like to tell people that was the year I washed myself in "all things God".  Our family began to change... our marriage changed a little some for the better.  We soon found ourselves in therapy (more about that in another post) and subsequently found ourselves here in another city... a move that we feel was completely orchestrated by God.  We have been here in Dallas for almost a year now and I won't sugar coat it - it has been hard!  I find myself feeling like we go through weeks of baby steps forward only to be smacked in the face with a day like today where I feel like we have taken two giant steps back.  As if I am playing a game of "mother may I" with life.  I felt the same way the year I began to "wash myself in all things God".  As if one area of my life I had surrendered over to God only to find another area that needed tweaking.  As if an area would finally feel right only to realize I had sooo far to go in another area.  I would have weeks of positive positive positive and then a few days of yuck.  I felt that way today.  I looked back over the last few weeks realizing that there have been some improvement in some areas that desperately needed improvement only to watch those same areas fall backwards.  A bit like falling off the "God band wagon" if you will.  I know that it is just Satan doing his best to beat me down and that irks me to no end.  I want to be positive and full of smile and happy, but sometimes life just beats me down and the only thing I know to do is to wash myself in all things God even harder.  Today was one of those days where I sat on my bed for about 10 min (with door closed so my kids couldn't see) and just had a good cry.  It was cleansing but, I wasn't done.  Everyone has been in bed and asleep for an hour now (including Jeff- more on that later- grrr) and I have been listening to my praise and worship music while praying that the Holy Spirit would intervene on my behalf to my God to help me feel His presence.  I need more than anything to feel the peace that only comes from God.  I know there are others out there that feel this as well.  So, this blog is dedicated to all of you who hit the one step forward two steps back moment occasionally.  I know everything will be ok- I know it will because I believe, serve, love, trust, worship... The One and Only God!  But, as this song says (and thank you Laurin Hall for introducing it to me) sometimes you have to "Just Cry"

I pray that you can allow this song to wash over you as I am letting it wash over me and know that God is without a doubt there and in control!!  As always feel free to comment : )



I've never been a big fan

I have never been a big fan of Valentines day... or as my friend called it forever and still does Valumptimes day.  I have had years where I had fantaublous valumptimes and years that were yucky!  I have had years that I had dates and years that I didn't.  I have had years that I got flowers and candy and such from the person that "loved" me and years that I got that stuff from the kids in my classes and years that I go nothing- zero, zip, nada!  I think because my love language is Valumptimes Day.  I think becuase my cup is filled when the ones I love do little things that are sweet, loving and thoughtful on a regular basis instead of just once a year.  The relationships that meant the most to me were the ones that were filled with the little things.   I have thought alot of those past relationships this week as I have listened to a lot of Whitney Houston's music (due to her passing) and she was quite popular during my single years -LOL! I loved little notes on my car windshield, in my locker, cards, a single flower as a surpirse, a dare I say "mixed tape" (LOL), a held hand during a prayer, a door opened, a car door opened when getting out... things that show that I am charished and thought of.  While my heart was broken many times over before I was led to Jeff.  I learned through the raindrops of sadness what I wanted to teach my boys.  I cried buckets over some of those broken hearts but am so very thankful that some of those relationships made me feel whole, full, loved.  Simple things that were done to make me feel that way, and I want to teach my children that it doesn't have to be a "boyfriend/girlfriend" relationship to do things that make others feel amazing.  I want to teach my boys how important it is to hold a door open because of how others feel when they are served in that way.  I want to teach them how to write a simple note to show appreciation and gratitude to a teacher or friend who has had an impact on you.  A note written not out of obligation but out of sheer gratitude and given becuase of how the other person feels when reading it.  I want to teach them to be giving out of sheer hapiness and joy not becuase some holiday tells you to.  I want to teach Zoe to sit in a car and wait for a boy/man/daddy or brother to open the door becuase she deserves to be treated with respect.  On a day where we celebrate with flowers, hearts and words of as my high school english teacher used to say, "love love love", I am reminded that my job as a parent is to teach my children to serve others out of love.  The greatest gift we can give others is ourselves but it isn't good enough unless our actions mirror our feelings.  A marriage dies when we don't have actions that mirror our feelings. I don't want my children to struggle in their marriages like Jeff and I have struggled in ours (and we continue to do so- more on that later).  People say the key to a good marriage is communication, I think there is more to that statement.  It is verbal communication, but it is also nonverbal.  It is written communication (notes, letters, cards), it is action, (door holding, hand holding, flowers, etc...) even if it doesn't come second nature.  It is something that becomes a habit or learned if it isn't your favorite way of communicating love... it doesn't happen just once a year.  I have been blessed to have felt loved in ways that are understood by earthly standards but more importantly I am blessed understand the love of The Father.  I wonder if I could take a day filled with flowers, hearts, candy etc... and use it to help my kids understand the love of The Father for His children, and that we can use that understanding to love others the way we have been loved?!  Hmmm...