Another year has come and gone

Well we made it to our 16th year- or well we actually celebrated year 17 a year early... maybe one day we will learn to count.   We are friends- we laugh together a lot- we take care of the house- we take care of the kids- we sleep- we wake- we go to church- we tithe- we vacation (or we really did this year with a trip to Key West)...we fight and misunderstand each other but less often than we used to.  I wonder sometimes, and this blog is really about me thinking out loud,  is this really all there is to marriage... I mean do other marriages function as friendships and that's it.  I am left again this year as I look at July 12 wondering- is there more?!  If there is how do we get there...will we ever get there...is this what God had in mind?  I don't want a marriage like movies show.  Do those even exist?  What about the mental image of love/romance/marriage that come with music?  Does that exist?  Maybe it doesn't - maybe we are just meant to be really good friends.  Maybe years from now I will look back and decide to erase this entire blog and think how young and foolish I was. 16 years - I struggle with the phrase Happy Anniversary- just left it as hey we made it.  Until next time...

Yesterday we sang this song at church and it washed right over my soul and into my world.  God continues to work on me and refine me through my marriage and I am so very thankful for that.  I continue to pray that as God reveals Himself to me through our "issues" that He will continue to allow us to be a blessing to others through them.  I woke several times during the night with this song on my heart and I was reminded that God will bring restoration to our world- He has in many ways already and He will continue to do so.  I pray that if   you are reading this and there is something you are struggling with that you will soon feel your sorrow/frustration/hurting whatever into joy.  I pray that you will feel that restoration that can only be provided by God!

Just a few words

One of the things that fills my heart with joy is when God places people in my path who encourage me without even knowing it. As we find our way through this season in our marriage I encounter words of encouragement all the time.  Not because I have told everyone what is going on and I am looking for it, but because God knows what He is doing.  He is in control and places the right people at the right time in our path.  I was encouraged several times over the last 3 weeks with individuals who were speaking from their hearts not even realizing they were speaking directly to mine.  The encouragement I received has allowed me to be a better wife in God's eyes.  Those individuals had no idea what season I am in but God does and for that I am very thankful.  In short God is Good All the Time!

Just so you know...

Just so you know... nothing that I say on here is news to Jeff. : )  I say that because I got a concerned phone call from someone I love and respect a great deal who wanted to make sure I wasn't one of those chicks who was complaining about life and throwing Jeff under the bus without Jeff knowing.  I was able to laugh and say to my concerned caller that everything I post Jeff already knows.  Everything that goes on this blog Jeff and I have discussed on occasion (usually several times).  But as I have often mentioned what is the point of walking through fire if you don't use it to help others.  Why be refined if you don't use it for the benefit of others?  Our hope is that we recognize our shortcomings, take care of them, and use the to show others that they can walk through their own struggles and come out on the other side without feeling alone or judged.  So we seek to struggle, learn, heal and share.  We place our marriage on God's alter and know that it will be redeemed!

Until next time... Kayren
 

Coulda, woulda, shoulda, ... didn't

I could have posted many times this year... but I didn't.  I would have told you all about the little things that did or didn't happen in my world.... but I didn't.   I should have gone on here to share a little more... but I didn't.  I figure it is about time to purge my brain and share.  Last time I posted I was washing myself in all things God.  I had had a good cry and was coming up for air.  Things haven't changed in the marriage department.  Jeff and I are roommates at best.  We still laugh together on occasion.  I cook and sort of pick up here and there.  I clean when I know people are coming over.  We sleep in the same bed (most nights) but we don't go to bed at the same time, we don't get up at the same time and most of the time there is a child in the bed with us.  So how is it that we are "celebrating" our 15th anniversary today.  Last year we were so busy with the buying of the house and with him working that our 14th came and went and it wasn't until about 10pm that I realized what day it was.  Two years ago when we were in counselling I had hoped that our 15th would be the one where we would be on a cruise or a lavish all inclusive vacation renewing our vows because so many of those vows had been ignored and we would have decided that nothing and no one could get between us ever and we would be celebrating that.  We could have been in counselling here... we would have called someone for help... we should have made appointments to take care of the things that were causing our "issues"... we didn't.  Why?  Who knows?  We find all kinds of excuses- but the one thing I do know is how much Satan is partying today because of the wedge in our marriage.  If you are reading this, rolling your eyes, and saying, "geez Kayren build a bridge and get over it already"  I challenge you to feel the feelings of abandonment over and over, build up walls, allow the walls to fall only to be abandoned again for years on end and ask yourself where would you be.  Especially when it comes to the vulnerability that you feel within your marriage, being hurt over and over never gets easy, and only hurts more as you continue to realize that yours is not the type of marriage that God could be proud of.  Yet, my motto is stick and stay- isn't that what marriage vows are all about?!  There have been many times that I have thought if the money had been there I would have left.  By that I mean... I have nothing in order to take the kids and go.  The cars and house are in Jeff's name and the credit card debt is in mine.  There are times when I think that I could do the whole thing without him and do it well as we don't see eye to eye when it comes to the kids and because he isn't always plugged into them it wouldn't matter.  There are definitely times when I wonder why God didn't allow me to marry the one who knew how to meet my needs better.  Then I snap back to reality... it isn't about what Jeff coulda done to make me feel better... nor what I woulda done differently, or what he shoulda done to make things better.  It is about what would make God proud and knowing that when God is happy and at peace we are too.  That is exactly why I stick and stay.  Don't get me wrong I have used my words (as we tell our children to do) but I haven't put my actions into play... I haven't picked up the phone to make the calls I need to.  But I am confident that we are going to be the couple that makes it through and on the other side will use this 15... year storm to help others find their way as well.  At least that is without a doubt my prayer.  When the time comes that we will be able to renew our vows and praise God that we have weathered the storm - I will post our victory.  But for now my victory is knowing that I do not go through the coulda, woulda, shoulda's without the One who knows me best.  As another year has come and gone - there have been changes but not in the way God feels about me and in the end that is what really counts.  In order to make it another 15 years my focus can not be on what I coulda, woulda, shoulda... didn't do but on what God can and will do.  As always, feel free to ask questions, make comments or share this post with anyone you think might benefit.  I will leave you with a song that lifts me and I crank it up whenever I hear it...

Sometimes you just have to cry...

I mentioned when I started this blog that it was a "share type" blog.  I have never been one to shy away from sharing with others the hard times that I have endured not as a means of "poor me", but more as an "I made it and so can you" type thing.  My heart is heavy tonight as I come to grips with feeling once again caught in one of those one step forward two steps back situations in life.  Several years ago I stopped hiding behind the facade that my marriage was happy and wonderful.  I came to the realization that it was on a downward spiral and if I didn't do something serious my life (well mine and Jeff's) would not be the only ones in trouble.  I was afraid that my kids were not being raised in a happy, healthy environment and some serious changes needed to take place.  I had not been happy for a very very long time and without going into a whole lot of detail as to why (because right now that isn't the point of this post), I decided that the change had to start with me.  So... I told Jeff we needed a change and the first thing to change was church. (more about that in another post)  We were and had been for some time struggling with where we were worshipping.  There were several factors that were in play... we had gotten lost.  So we took a leap of faith and followed our hearts (but not before an enormous amount of prayer) and began to worship with a different congregation.  The second change came in the form of music.  I stopped listening to any radio or cd's that were not Christian.  I mean I tuned my radio to the local Christian station and only listened to Christian CD's.  I started to read anything and everything I could get my hands on regarding my role as a Christian wife and mother.  I surrounded myself with Christian women of all ages, shapes, sizes etc...  I like to tell people that was the year I washed myself in "all things God".  Our family began to change... our marriage changed a little some for the better.  We soon found ourselves in therapy (more about that in another post) and subsequently found ourselves here in another city... a move that we feel was completely orchestrated by God.  We have been here in Dallas for almost a year now and I won't sugar coat it - it has been hard!  I find myself feeling like we go through weeks of baby steps forward only to be smacked in the face with a day like today where I feel like we have taken two giant steps back.  As if I am playing a game of "mother may I" with life.  I felt the same way the year I began to "wash myself in all things God".  As if one area of my life I had surrendered over to God only to find another area that needed tweaking.  As if an area would finally feel right only to realize I had sooo far to go in another area.  I would have weeks of positive positive positive and then a few days of yuck.  I felt that way today.  I looked back over the last few weeks realizing that there have been some improvement in some areas that desperately needed improvement only to watch those same areas fall backwards.  A bit like falling off the "God band wagon" if you will.  I know that it is just Satan doing his best to beat me down and that irks me to no end.  I want to be positive and full of smile and happy, but sometimes life just beats me down and the only thing I know to do is to wash myself in all things God even harder.  Today was one of those days where I sat on my bed for about 10 min (with door closed so my kids couldn't see) and just had a good cry.  It was cleansing but, I wasn't done.  Everyone has been in bed and asleep for an hour now (including Jeff- more on that later- grrr) and I have been listening to my praise and worship music while praying that the Holy Spirit would intervene on my behalf to my God to help me feel His presence.  I need more than anything to feel the peace that only comes from God.  I know there are others out there that feel this as well.  So, this blog is dedicated to all of you who hit the one step forward two steps back moment occasionally.  I know everything will be ok- I know it will because I believe, serve, love, trust, worship... The One and Only God!  But, as this song says (and thank you Laurin Hall for introducing it to me) sometimes you have to "Just Cry"

I pray that you can allow this song to wash over you as I am letting it wash over me and know that God is without a doubt there and in control!!  As always feel free to comment : )



I've never been a big fan

I have never been a big fan of Valentines day... or as my friend called it forever and still does Valumptimes day.  I have had years where I had fantaublous valumptimes and years that were yucky!  I have had years that I had dates and years that I didn't.  I have had years that I got flowers and candy and such from the person that "loved" me and years that I got that stuff from the kids in my classes and years that I go nothing- zero, zip, nada!  I think because my love language is Valumptimes Day.  I think becuase my cup is filled when the ones I love do little things that are sweet, loving and thoughtful on a regular basis instead of just once a year.  The relationships that meant the most to me were the ones that were filled with the little things.   I have thought alot of those past relationships this week as I have listened to a lot of Whitney Houston's music (due to her passing) and she was quite popular during my single years -LOL! I loved little notes on my car windshield, in my locker, cards, a single flower as a surpirse, a dare I say "mixed tape" (LOL), a held hand during a prayer, a door opened, a car door opened when getting out... things that show that I am charished and thought of.  While my heart was broken many times over before I was led to Jeff.  I learned through the raindrops of sadness what I wanted to teach my boys.  I cried buckets over some of those broken hearts but am so very thankful that some of those relationships made me feel whole, full, loved.  Simple things that were done to make me feel that way, and I want to teach my children that it doesn't have to be a "boyfriend/girlfriend" relationship to do things that make others feel amazing.  I want to teach my boys how important it is to hold a door open because of how others feel when they are served in that way.  I want to teach them how to write a simple note to show appreciation and gratitude to a teacher or friend who has had an impact on you.  A note written not out of obligation but out of sheer gratitude and given becuase of how the other person feels when reading it.  I want to teach them to be giving out of sheer hapiness and joy not becuase some holiday tells you to.  I want to teach Zoe to sit in a car and wait for a boy/man/daddy or brother to open the door becuase she deserves to be treated with respect.  On a day where we celebrate with flowers, hearts and words of as my high school english teacher used to say, "love love love", I am reminded that my job as a parent is to teach my children to serve others out of love.  The greatest gift we can give others is ourselves but it isn't good enough unless our actions mirror our feelings.  A marriage dies when we don't have actions that mirror our feelings. I don't want my children to struggle in their marriages like Jeff and I have struggled in ours (and we continue to do so- more on that later).  People say the key to a good marriage is communication, I think there is more to that statement.  It is verbal communication, but it is also nonverbal.  It is written communication (notes, letters, cards), it is action, (door holding, hand holding, flowers, etc...) even if it doesn't come second nature.  It is something that becomes a habit or learned if it isn't your favorite way of communicating love... it doesn't happen just once a year.  I have been blessed to have felt loved in ways that are understood by earthly standards but more importantly I am blessed understand the love of The Father.  I wonder if I could take a day filled with flowers, hearts, candy etc... and use it to help my kids understand the love of The Father for His children, and that we can use that understanding to love others the way we have been loved?!  Hmmm...